my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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