The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
