I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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