well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
