OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
