i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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