Ambien. No doubt about it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
