dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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