I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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