and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize