Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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