I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
