Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
