Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize