Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
