this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
