he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
