I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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