OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
