Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
