I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
