i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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