The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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