i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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