youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
