What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
