My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
