My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
