I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love having hate sex.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
