No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
