just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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