you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
