he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
