First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
