My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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