you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
