Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
