you traded sex for a burrito?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
