One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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