She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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