Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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