i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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