u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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