If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
