Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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