So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
