bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
