i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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