She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
