Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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