why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
