We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Someone came in the potted fern
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
