How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
