Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
