You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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