Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
