I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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