i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why are your pants in the freezer?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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