my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
