She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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