We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
