I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
