nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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