I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize