I'm passing your future prison.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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